One Year Ago Today...
It felt so selfish raising money to be whole
but I felt so desperate
those thoughts and feelings had to go
fear and nightmares were holding my future in chains
It was getting so that I couldn’t even ride the train without the pain of flashbacks
If I had only known then what I know now
that those 30 days would not only help to put my life back on track
but they would give me a feeling of freedom and joy
that I only thought I’d known before
I may still sometimes live in silence for now
but watch me this year because I’m going to really break out
and when I do there is no turning back
no stuffing back down
no wrapping back up in tidy paper
and placing cute little bows on top
so if what comes out looks ugly to you
you will just have to close your eyes or bear it
because for once in my life I don’t plan on caring
about what others think is right or wrong
It is almost funny now that repression looks like so many things
like insomnia, symptoms of PTSD, even mood swings
So thank you to all those that helped me to raise what turned out to be my freedom
Thank you to my psychiatric Sallie Mae for helping me make it the rest of the way
I could be annoyed that I’m still paying
but I don’t think I’d be on this earth to even be mad without that loan
so I embrace and accept that it is what it is
I won’t name the place but it’s somewhere out west
and the writing, self portraits, and hundreds of tear fests
were what I needed to invest for those 30 days that began one year ago today

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