One Year Ago Today...

It felt so selfish raising money to be whole

but I felt so desperate

those thoughts and feelings had to go

fear and nightmares were holding my future in chains

It was getting so that I couldn’t even ride the train without the pain of flashbacks

If I had only known then what I know now

that those 30 days would not only help to put my life back on track

but they would give me a feeling of freedom and joy

that I only thought I’d known before

I may still sometimes live in silence for now

but watch me this year because I’m going to really break out

and when I do there is no turning back

no stuffing back down

no wrapping back up in tidy paper

and placing cute little bows on top

so if what comes out looks ugly to you

you will just have to close your eyes or bear it

because for once in my life I don’t plan on caring

about what others think is right or wrong

It is almost funny now that repression looks like so many things

like insomnia, symptoms of PTSD, even mood swings

So thank you to all those that helped me to raise what turned out to be my freedom

Thank you to my psychiatric Sallie Mae for helping me make it the rest of the way

I could be annoyed that I’m still paying

but I don’t think I’d be on this earth to even be mad without that loan

so I embrace and accept that it is what it is

I won’t name the place but it’s somewhere out west

and the writing, self portraits, and hundreds of tear fests

were what I needed to invest for those 30 days that began one year ago today